The Writing of Amanda Hatton

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Its funny thinking that I used to love you.

I used to think I could marry you,

I used to imagine our children

I used to imagine us growing old together.

That’s almost laughable now.


That you could ever love me that way.

I’m well aware you love me

But I’m equally aware that you will never have a burning passion for me.

So no,

I couldn’t marry you for love.

Not you.

We’re all too similar

And all too different

To ever marry seriously.

We’d tear each other apart with our broken hearts.

Too self indulged in the pains of the past

And the mistakes we’re still making.

We’re both too dark

And all too self centered

For a marriage based on love.

But the past few years have changed me.

I don’t love you like that anymore

But I do still love you.

So for you?

You, I could do a marriage of convenience for.

Give up my life to make yours better.

No delusions of romance

Or that you ever really loved me that way

But for your health

For your sanity

To keep you from the claws attached to the ends of your own fingers

I would marry you.

For the sake of you.

You don’t realize this

But I may not want to kiss you anymore

But I love you deeper than I ever have before.

I want health for you

I want happiness for you

I want all of the good things in the whole wide world for you.

And if someday you need me?

Say your wife dies in a fiery car crash and you need someone to raise the three little ones she left you with

Well I’ll be there.

I’ll slowly begin helping out.

I’ll watch the kids while you mourn at her casket.

I’ll go grocery shopping with you to keep the boys in line.

I’ll spend my Friday nights folding tiny little underwear.

Your kids will recognize me as joy

As sunshine that penetrates the darkness of her funeral shroud

And eventually I’ll just move in.

Because I know you well enough.

I know if you ever lost real love

You’d lose yourself.

So I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.

I will never replace her

Never replace the wife you loved so dearly

But if you need me.

I’ll be there

Fresh pressed tea length white dress

And wrist length gloves.

Converse and a bow in my hair.

You wearing the suit you wore to the last wedding.

A marriage of convenience.

Because I love you.

I Love you well enough to know the darkness you could wallow in

I love you well enough to pull you out

I love you well enough to give up all the good things I could have

Just to see you smile.

So I don’t want to marry you anymore.

No more passion burns for you the way you swore it always did


That fire went out but the embers remain

Maybe not as bright as the fire

But just as warm.

I love you.

And that means

I’ll always be here.


I’ve lost 3 friends that way.

3 friends I thought I’d hold onto forever.

But here you are.

Dancing away into the dark.

 And I’ll keep my hands out and open.

I’ll reach and grasp for you.

But I’ve lost 3 friends this way.

Watched as their minds slowly slipped away from them.

Until they were someone I didn’t know.

So if you head down that road.

If you dip and dance out into the dark

Know I can’t follow you

I’ll be here with hands open and waiting.

But I cannot follow. 

Last time I was here I was with you.

 I wrote a poem about tasting the sky

And how it was the sweetest and bitterest thing I’d ever tasted.

But now it has been a year.

A year where I was chased up trees

And dropped down mine shafts.

And no matter where my shadows chased me

You weren’t there to catch me.

So I think I’ll remember you the way you were that night.

I’ll tuck every other memory of you away in the middle of a large book

And then I’ll give that book away to a donation shop.

 I’ll let some other girl pick it up.

Some other girl too young or too delusional to realize the time bomb she is holding

I’ll keep that one perfect memory of sidewalk hugs and scratchy faces.

But all the others will be donated.

 Donated and left to other girls.

And every time I come to this place I’ll think of tasting the sky

And the way I lost myself over you.

 And when the sun sets, when planets I mistake for stars and stars I mistake for planets come out and shine down on that one perfect memory

 I’ll wish things had been different.

But only in those golden moments.

 Only our golden moment

Dear my lovely world,

I just want to be friends.

I’m sorry.

Please stop trying to dazzle me,

Please stop painting masterpieces in front of my eyes.

Please stop wrapping me up in sleepy rainy day hugs.

Please stop trying to win me over with the miracles of this planet.

Please stop with the sunshine kisses.

World, I’ve loved you for far too long,

Long enough for man to grow wings and circumnavigate the globe.

I love you but I’ve got to stop.

Because you’ve showed me so much greatness

But, love, you’ve hurt me so much too.

I’m not saying all the stubbed toes and fingers smashed in cabinets

Could ever equal hate strong enough to counter your love

But what of all the avalanches?

The tsunamis?

The tornados that you sent my way?

What of all the times you smashed me against the rocks?

I know you love me,

I can feel it in my bones

But what of all the destruction?

So I’m ending it.

Stop trying to make me fall in love with you again.

I’ve been there far too often.

It’s time I see someone else

I stared down into the ocean water

Trying to catch glimpses of who we were.


I thought I saw reflections.

Nearly perfect truths of our humanity.

But they were sea foam and seaweeds.

Curled in the shape of pilgrim hands.


So I took a second look.

And I thought I saw the depth of the ocean

And the depth of our souls.

But it was simply the black that comes when human eyes fail.


So I just stared at the horizon.

I watched as the Portuguese-men-of-war clustered round.

Stared as they traveled towards me from off that line where water and sky meet.


But one of those little black dots wasn’t a jellyfish.

It was the ship you sailed to me in.


And I saw you.

And I don’t know I could’ve mistaken you for anything else.


Honesty brought by the tide

Truth brought by time.