Its funny thinking that I used to love you.
I used to think I could marry you,
I used to imagine our children
I used to imagine us growing old together.
That’s almost laughable now.
That you could ever love me that way.
I’m well aware you love me
But I’m equally aware that you will never have a burning passion for me.
I couldn’t marry you for love.
We’re all too similar
And all too different
To ever marry seriously.
We’d tear each other apart with our broken hearts.
Too self indulged in the pains of the past
And the mistakes we’re still making.
We’re both too dark
And all too self centered
For a marriage based on love.
But the past few years have changed me.
I don’t love you like that anymore
But I do still love you.
So for you?
You, I could do a marriage of convenience for.
Give up my life to make yours better.
No delusions of romance
Or that you ever really loved me that way
But for your health
For your sanity
To keep you from the claws attached to the ends of your own fingers
I would marry you.
For the sake of you.
You don’t realize this
But I may not want to kiss you anymore
But I love you deeper than I ever have before.
I want health for you
I want happiness for you
I want all of the good things in the whole wide world for you.
And if someday you need me?
Say your wife dies in a fiery car crash and you need someone to raise the three little ones she left you with
Well I’ll be there.
I’ll slowly begin helping out.
I’ll watch the kids while you mourn at her casket.
I’ll go grocery shopping with you to keep the boys in line.
I’ll spend my Friday nights folding tiny little underwear.
Your kids will recognize me as joy
As sunshine that penetrates the darkness of her funeral shroud
And eventually I’ll just move in.
Because I know you well enough.
I know if you ever lost real love
You’d lose yourself.
So I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.
I will never replace her
Never replace the wife you loved so dearly
But if you need me.
I’ll be there
Fresh pressed tea length white dress
And wrist length gloves.
Converse and a bow in my hair.
You wearing the suit you wore to the last wedding.
A marriage of convenience.
Because I love you.
I Love you well enough to know the darkness you could wallow in
I love you well enough to pull you out
I love you well enough to give up all the good things I could have
Just to see you smile.
So I don’t want to marry you anymore.
No more passion burns for you the way you swore it always did
That fire went out but the embers remain
Maybe not as bright as the fire
But just as warm.
I love you.
And that means
I’ll always be here.
I’ve lost 3 friends that way.
3 friends I thought I’d hold onto forever.
But here you are.
Dancing away into the dark.
And I’ll keep my hands out and open.
I’ll reach and grasp for you.
But I’ve lost 3 friends this way.
Watched as their minds slowly slipped away from them.
Until they were someone I didn’t know.
So if you head down that road.
If you dip and dance out into the dark
Know I can’t follow you
I’ll be here with hands open and waiting.
But I cannot follow.
Last time I was here I was with you.
I wrote a poem about tasting the sky
And how it was the sweetest and bitterest thing I’d ever tasted.
But now it has been a year.
A year where I was chased up trees
And dropped down mine shafts.
And no matter where my shadows chased me
You weren’t there to catch me.
So I think I’ll remember you the way you were that night.
I’ll tuck every other memory of you away in the middle of a large book
And then I’ll give that book away to a donation shop.
I’ll let some other girl pick it up.
Some other girl too young or too delusional to realize the time bomb she is holding
I’ll keep that one perfect memory of sidewalk hugs and scratchy faces.
But all the others will be donated.
Donated and left to other girls.
And every time I come to this place I’ll think of tasting the sky
And the way I lost myself over you.
And when the sun sets, when planets I mistake for stars and stars I mistake for planets come out and shine down on that one perfect memory
I’ll wish things had been different.
But only in those golden moments.
Only our golden moment
Dear my lovely world,
I just want to be friends.
Please stop trying to dazzle me,
Please stop painting masterpieces in front of my eyes.
Please stop wrapping me up in sleepy rainy day hugs.
Please stop trying to win me over with the miracles of this planet.
Please stop with the sunshine kisses.
World, I’ve loved you for far too long,
Long enough for man to grow wings and circumnavigate the globe.
I love you but I’ve got to stop.
Because you’ve showed me so much greatness
But, love, you’ve hurt me so much too.
I’m not saying all the stubbed toes and fingers smashed in cabinets
Could ever equal hate strong enough to counter your love
But what of all the avalanches?
The tornados that you sent my way?
What of all the times you smashed me against the rocks?
I know you love me,
I can feel it in my bones
But what of all the destruction?
So I’m ending it.
Stop trying to make me fall in love with you again.
I’ve been there far too often.
It’s time I see someone else
I knew this day would come.
The day you were with someone else.
But I didn’t think it’d be today.
A Thursday morning with the clouds hanging over head just the way I like them.
Just the way they were when you danced me down the street singing a rousing waltz of how the snow would be our dance floor.
A day I’d felt was filled with hope.
But maybe it still is.
Maybe it is still filled with hope.
But maybe it’s a different kind of hope
Maybe it’s filled with hope for the both of us.
Hope that someday I’ll trust again, both you and men in general.
Because let’s be honest even when I was begging you to kiss me I had my arms out straight elbows locked in the embrace that said “Don’t you dare come any closer or I’ll knock your teeth out.”
And hope that you’re healing from all of the wounds you’ve accumulated over the years
and prized because you thought they made you a stronger man.
Hope that the people we were when we kicked each other’s ribcages in just so we could feel something ourselves
Would someday have the strength to mend the broken ribs and the pierced organs of others.
Because right now
As I still rock back and forth from the news that was struck against my bow like a cannon ball sent to sink a ship
I don’t know what I feel.
I feel hollow.
I feel like the echoes of a cavern after someone’s shouted out their secret love.
I feel like the hollow in a sink hole right before it collapses into the groundwater.
I feel like the volcano after all of the magma has left the chamber and its left questioning
So what now?
Do I pretend to be happy for you?
Do I push everything out until it is only the hope that is left?
Do I become a walking plastic greeting card wishing you the best and joy for the future?
Do I hate you?
Do I become the dark cloud of destruction?
Do I gossip about you and tell all our friends to divide the line between friends and enemies like a divorce where children choose sides?
I don’t know.
All I know right now is I wish I felt the way I did when you danced me down the street.
I wish things were simple like they were then.
But we jumped into that tar pit thinking that if we wrote enough lines of poetry we could turn it into water and tread it until something better came along.
But its not.
It didn’t work that way.
I’m alone and you’re dating someone new.
And I feel like the walls of my life are crumbling around me and you’re sitting at the top with the foreman discussing how best to bring down the next wall.
I know you’re not.
I know you’re not aiming missiles at me like some blood drunk war lord in hopes of collapsing something that was already sinking under its own weight.
But I don’t how to do this.
How to take the scraps of what we once had, paste them into a picture book so that someday I can look back and sing a song of what young love was
No I don’t know how to do that.
All I know how to do is shake and shiver and scream and feel hollow.
So the news came today.
The news I’ve been dreading now for almost a year.
News that would’ve broken a younger me.
News that would’ve sent me spitting and hissing like serpent amongst our friends crying that they give me the attention and the understanding I need or I will poison their blood stream with hate and vile.
But I’m just sitting here.
Rocking back and forth as the dust clears from the cannon ball that stretched a wound across my bow.
And I hope someday I’ll see you two together.
I hope that someday I’ll smile and hug you and wish you the best.
But for now I’m not strong enough.
I’m not brave enough.
I’m not old enough to look at this through wizened eyes and not young enough to see through spiteful eyes.
Let me just rock back and forth here.
I will either float or sink.
But either way
It’s none of your concern anymore.
She wears perfume to bed
And stares at her reflection,
Her de-makeuped face.
She pokes and prods adding flesh here removing it there.
Trying to see the goodness anyone might see.
She wears perfume to bed
So maybe in her dreams
She can be the princess she’s always wanted to be.
Maybe she won’t wake up
As just another nobody
If I were a mermaid.
I would sit at the bottom of the ocean
Somewhere on the abyssal plain.
Staring through a green watery sky
To the blue nitrogen, oxygen, carbon mixture above.
I would sit in the silence.
I’d absorb the silence.
And no one would bother me.
But I’m not a mermaid.
The best I can manage is sitting on the sides of the party
Watching people talk to other people.
Talking about things I don’t care about and will never care about.
All shouted over the soundtrack of some song that only sounds like the ocean
when it enters my ears.
And the whole time I’ll dream.
I’ll dream of being a mermaid.