I knew this day would come.
The day you were with someone else.
But I didn’t think it’d be today.
A Thursday morning with the clouds hanging over head just the way I like them.
Just the way they were when you danced me down the street singing a rousing waltz of how the snow would be our dance floor.
A day I’d felt was filled with hope.
But maybe it still is.
Maybe it is still filled with hope.
But maybe it’s a different kind of hope
Maybe it’s filled with hope for the both of us.
Hope that someday I’ll trust again, both you and men in general.
Because let’s be honest even when I was begging you to kiss me I had my arms out straight elbows locked in the embrace that said “Don’t you dare come any closer or I’ll knock your teeth out.”
And hope that you’re healing from all of the wounds you’ve accumulated over the years
and prized because you thought they made you a stronger man.
Hope that the people we were when we kicked each other’s ribcages in just so we could feel something ourselves
Would someday have the strength to mend the broken ribs and the pierced organs of others.
Because right now
As I still rock back and forth from the news that was struck against my bow like a cannon ball sent to sink a ship
I don’t know what I feel.
I feel hollow.
I feel like the echoes of a cavern after someone’s shouted out their secret love.
I feel like the hollow in a sink hole right before it collapses into the groundwater.
I feel like the volcano after all of the magma has left the chamber and its left questioning
So what now?
Do I pretend to be happy for you?
Do I push everything out until it is only the hope that is left?
Do I become a walking plastic greeting card wishing you the best and joy for the future?
Do I hate you?
Do I become the dark cloud of destruction?
Do I gossip about you and tell all our friends to divide the line between friends and enemies like a divorce where children choose sides?
I don’t know.
All I know right now is I wish I felt the way I did when you danced me down the street.
I wish things were simple like they were then.
But we jumped into that tar pit thinking that if we wrote enough lines of poetry we could turn it into water and tread it until something better came along.
But its not.
It didn’t work that way.
I’m alone and you’re dating someone new.
And I feel like the walls of my life are crumbling around me and you’re sitting at the top with the foreman discussing how best to bring down the next wall.
I know you’re not.
I know you’re not aiming missiles at me like some blood drunk war lord in hopes of collapsing something that was already sinking under its own weight.
But I don’t how to do this.
How to take the scraps of what we once had, paste them into a picture book so that someday I can look back and sing a song of what young love was
No I don’t know how to do that.
All I know how to do is shake and shiver and scream and feel hollow.
So the news came today.
The news I’ve been dreading now for almost a year.
News that would’ve broken a younger me.
News that would’ve sent me spitting and hissing like serpent amongst our friends crying that they give me the attention and the understanding I need or I will poison their blood stream with hate and vile.
But I’m just sitting here.
Rocking back and forth as the dust clears from the cannon ball that stretched a wound across my bow.
And I hope someday I’ll see you two together.
I hope that someday I’ll smile and hug you and wish you the best.
But for now I’m not strong enough.
I’m not brave enough.
I’m not old enough to look at this through wizened eyes and not young enough to see through spiteful eyes.
Let me just rock back and forth here.
I will either float or sink.
But either way
It’s none of your concern anymore.