I thought about you for the first time
The first time in a very long time.
Thought of you as you really were.
Not as I imagined you in that snow drift haze.
Or as I imagined you in the last few months.
The thawing out and burning of a desert sun.
I thought of you.
The you that opened up to me late at night.
The you that cared about what I thought.
The you that meant something.
But then I changed you.
First I imagined you much greater than you were.
Some secretive lover.
Some harlequin romance that was only communicated in hushed tones and sharp whispers.
Something greater than you were.
I thought there was an undertone there.
I thought you’d live up to it.
I thought if I thought the greatest of you you’d step up to it
Just like in all the movies and books I read.
But then you ruined it.
I don’t blame you for it
I wouldn’t want to be held to the standards of a better me.
Wouldn’t want to be forever in the shadow of an unreal persona.
So I decided that you were worse than I imagined.
I imagined you lower than the low
Some dog on the sidewalk
Some dead beat with no moral compass
Some spiteful disgusting thing I was too good to speak of.
But you weren’t that either.
You didn’t notice the venom in my eyes that night
But you were never one to notice.
So when we parted ways you thought I still held you on that shelf
Shelf of golden heroes to be worshiped and adored.
You didn’t notice I’d taken that statue
Rubbed it in the ashes where I’d fallen
And thrown it in the Atlantic because it was the deepest darkest ocean I could find.
But tonight I thought of you.
Thought of you as you really are.
Not better not worse
And I missed you.
I missed the boy I talked to.
I missed the boy who could spin my mind like a top
With the way he understood my background.
I missed that night in the darkened corner of a friend’s apartment
When you told me about your family
And I told you about mine
And we realized we were much the same.
I miss being understood
And understanding in return.
Because all of our friends may claim to understand
But no one gets the quiet, almost silent, agony
That we both endured
No one gets it quite the way you do.
So I wish I hadn’t cut all ties when I jumped ship.
I wish I hadn’t spit at you that night and walked away.
I wish I hadn’t cursed your name so many times
That I can’t say it without the ring of hatred coming through.
I never really hated anyone till I hated that idea of you.
And I never really loved anyone till I loved that idea of you.
And since then I’ve faced demons.
I’ve hung off sheer cliff faces.
I’ve been to hell and back
With your name scrawled upon my wrist.
And now I think I’m finally ready to accept you.
You the boy I knew at first.
You the person I wanted to be friends with.
You who became my friend.
So if he still exists
If he still endures somewhere inside you
Tell him I thought of him today.
Tell him I thought of him and I missed him.