I thought about you for the first time

The first time in a very long time.

Thought of you as you really were.

Not as I imagined you in that snow drift haze.

Or as I imagined you in the last few months.

The thawing out and burning of a desert sun.

No.

I thought of you.

The you that opened up to me late at night.

The you that cared about what I thought.

The you that meant something.

But then I changed you.

First I imagined you much greater than you were.

Some secretive lover.

Some harlequin romance that was only communicated in hushed tones and sharp whispers.

Something greater than you were.

I thought there was an undertone there.

I thought you’d live up to it.

I thought if I thought the greatest of you you’d step up to it

Just like in all the movies and books I read.

But then you ruined it.

I don’t blame you for it

I wouldn’t want to be held to the standards of a better me.

Wouldn’t want to be forever in the shadow of an unreal persona.

So I decided that you were worse than I imagined.

I imagined you lower than the low

Some dog on the sidewalk

Some dead beat with no moral compass

Some spiteful disgusting thing I was too good to speak of.

But you weren’t that either.

You didn’t notice the venom in my eyes that night

But you were never one to notice.

So when we parted ways you thought I still held you on that shelf

Shelf of golden heroes to be worshiped and adored.

You didn’t notice I’d taken that statue

Rubbed it in the ashes where I’d fallen

And thrown it in the Atlantic because it was the deepest darkest ocean I could find.

But tonight I thought of you.

Thought of you as you really are.

Not better not worse

Just you.

And I missed you.

I missed the boy I talked to.

I missed the boy who could spin my mind like a top

With the way he understood my background.

I missed that night in the darkened corner of a friend’s apartment

When you told me about your family

And I told you about mine

And we realized we were much the same.

I miss being understood

And understanding in return.

Because all of our friends may claim to understand

But no one gets the quiet, almost silent, agony

That we both endured

Still endure.

No one gets it quite the way you do.

So I wish I hadn’t cut all ties when I jumped ship.

I wish I hadn’t spit at you that night and walked away.

I wish I hadn’t cursed your name so many times

That I can’t say it without the ring of hatred coming through.

I never really hated anyone till I hated that idea of you.

And I never really loved anyone till I loved that idea of you.

And since then I’ve faced demons.

I’ve hung off sheer cliff faces.

I’ve been to hell and back

With your name scrawled upon my wrist.

And now I think I’m finally ready to accept you.

You.

You the boy I knew at first.

You the person I wanted to be friends with.

You who became my friend.

So if he still exists

If he still endures somewhere inside you

Tell him I thought of him today.

Tell him I thought of him and I missed him. 

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