It’s funny how I fell asleep to the thought of you before you gave me permission.
I clung to the happy memories I tacked to the corkboard in my head.
You and I walking through the demented places we frequented.
Smiles over shared meals with shared friends.
Funny conversations when no one else could hear us.
With those I could turn any dark and stormy day
Into a night curled up with you next to me.
A night with your legs intertwined under my blankets
And your voice reading aloud rather than just mine.
You never realized what all those late night text conversations
Were being turned into in my head.
You never realized what you meant to me.
You never realized what those walks and meals and funny conversations could be turned into.
You didn’t see the fine silk they were made of
Or the beautiful tapestry they were begging to be weaved into.
So I still think of your head on the pillow beside mine.
I still wish for your hand to hold while I drift off to sleep.
I still imagine you here to protect me when I cower in the dark.
But now I know I don’t have permission.
Now I know I’m standing up against the armies of your heart and mind.
You made your choice and you made it clear.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll back down.
It doesn’t mean I’m defeated.
No, it just means I face you.
The combined cavalry and artillery of both brain and heart against all of me.
Against the full force of my whole body.
I’ve got a veteran general heart
Been through too many battles to count.
It’s got scars on it to mark each battlefield its faced with its soldiers
And where it’s never won but where it’s led my fights.
And right now its suiting up.
I’ve got a strategist for a brain.
It can tell me which fights to pursue and which ones to drop.
A brain known for pressing the troops until they faint.
And right now its screaming a rally cry.
I’ve got a body that does not quit.
These limbs are the soldiers of this army
All well-worn battle-bruised brigands.
All ready for whatever action their general and their strategist should call for.
All willing to lay down their life for this.
And right now their lining up with weapons at hand.
So I don’t presume to win the war
But baby I will fight.
I will fight until my weary heart’s beats slow.
I will fight until my strategist mind tells me it is hopeless.
I will fight until my body is broken and tired.
I will not die upon that battle field.
But I will come close enough that you will have no doubt.
Have no doubt I truly loved you.
And every night, from now till then,
That I fall asleep to the thought of you.
Every day I spend with you wrapped up in my mind.
Every conversation I trick you into
Will be a battlefield.
A battlefield you unwittingly stepped upon.
So watch out boy
Because my coquettish ways
Will blow you up like a land mine.
And my sweet demeanor
Will arrest your heart and keep it as a prisoner of war.
So I will dream of you.
I will keep your memories up on the corkboard in my mind.
I will still imagine you beside me.
I will text you till we both fall asleep.
I am not one to give up that easily.